Play your cards right

18 years.

It's been that long since I wrote out the possible names of my future children with the man who would become my husband when I turned 19 like Grandma was in that picture of her and my smooth-operating fox of a granddaddy - aged 21. My husband and I would have five children with the first being born when I was 21 or 22 and the last being born at age 30. Four boys and one girl at LEAST. We'd live in DC. Young professionals, married, in love with a beautiful big family, making a wonderful life for ourselves. A tenured college professor and whatever he would be. (I never specified his profession. I guess I only thought about what I wanted for my life, but not enough of who I wanted.) 

That was 18 years ago and I'm not that dreamy teen anymore from the small town of Thomasville, GA, who at one point was poor enough that we sometimes used forks or butter knives to part our hair. Or lived in a dainty 3-bedroom house with 4 adults and like 9 other kids. Or who walked everywhere because we never had a car, and relied heavily on free lunches in the Summer. No, I'm not that girl who literally had to dream with determination for a life greater than anything I had ever seen or experienced growing up.

What happened? 18 years later didn't stop the dream, but the plans I had did not go as planned. I didn't beat myself up about it. I went with the flow and re-strategized. At least, I sort of did. I graduated early, but not as early as I'd planned. I was in a relationship upon graduation, so I didn't move to NY or DC for grad school as planned. I didn't even apply for grad school, and waited too late to add on another program when I thought about it prior to graduation. I took a job, which I thoroughly enjoyed, learned so much that I still use to this day, and made some lifelong connections. (Shout out to Lyte!) I didn't get married at 19, but I did at 23 and my first child was born when I was 28. The second at 30 - my daughter.

What I didn't expect was to move to Georgia, a place I no longer knew and didn't consider home, and for a short while, I moved back to Thomasville. (Nowhere in MY plans.) I was married to a guy I'd met in high school, who was everything and more back then. I was in love. Totally smittened, but none of it was according to plan, and I think I pushed my plans somewhere in the desert. I didn't think about them like that or revisit them or even revamp them in a sense. I just rolled with the punches as my dad would say. When my baby boy came along, it was a rather joyous time, but the joy didn't last long. [See my next post.] When the infidelity hit multiple times, absolutely NONE of the events leading up to or surrounding those instances and beyond were a part my envisioned life as a professional woman, wife, and mother. Not even close. Now I'm divorced and a single parent. Who knew?! I sure didn't. Like - who wrote this script? Why the character gotta look like that, act like that, sound like that, but most of all, GO THROUGH THAT?? [Queue "Why Not Me" by Tasha Page-Lockhart -- "I'm the perfect person to go through this storm; it won't break me it won't kill me I'll move on; and then I'll come out even better than before and I'll never see this place anymore..."] If you haven't listened, make sure you check it out. 

Here I am. It's been 18 years since I dared to make out my life plan, and even though my life hasn't gone according to my plan, God's plan is better. I've finally gotten to a place - He's gotten me to the place - where I can understand, respect, and look forward to His plan for my life.

I've mourned many losses including not fulfilling the milestones I'd planned to at the age and place I'd planned. However, with God's help, I've worked my way up I professionally and I've moved away from "home" again - for real this time. I'm more in tune with God and checking in with Him about this life and His plans and will for me. I've worked through mourning things, and that has freed me so much. Letting go is so freeing. So, now, I play the hand I've been dealt. I had no choice as a child, and that holds true today. Mourn for what? I'm grateful for what I have and who I am today, the growth achieved, and the maturity reached. It's important to take the time to mourn or grieve, but what's further important is to keep going and navigate life as it continues. Be a willing participant in it; don't just exist. I'm handling it. You can handle it. Play your cards right.