Burden less Answer
Even if I could have all the answers, I think that would be such a heavy burden. I wouldn't want that. Plus, not having the answers, but little by little learning or reaching them is the most...[insert adjective here]. Besides, what would I do if I knew everything that I needed to know? As humanly as possible, I'd choose to do what I want. I would, undoubtedly, mess sh-- up. I'm talking the most epic of epic fails outside of the Falcons losing the Super Bowl after having a 20+ point lead over Brady's Patriots. Even the stars are still shaking their pointy heads because they were aligned and the Dirty Birds still blew it. I digress.
I was looking at one of my elementary school portraits, and it's such an awesome thing to see because it's been so long, but I still remember it. I remember that outfit being one of my favorites: puffed designed white, long-sleeved blouse with a black & white houndstooth heart in the middle and a dainty green ribbon bow with pink flower to finish the look. This blouse was somewhat like a fleece or sweater material and it came with a skirt that matched the heart. I loved things like that back then. (I guess that's where my daughter gets her fashion sense. She's so daring with hers, unlike me with mine, which came later.) Before this picture day, my sister and I had been fighting in our room and she pushed me - I always got the best of her - and I hit my head on the iron bed frame. It hurt, and up popped a knot. I think it was a silent fight because, if mom knew, she would have gotten us both. If I was mad about it, I can't remember, but I do remember thinking it would still be there for picture day. An uninvited guest. If you look closely, it's there; right above my right eye (on your left).
They say the eyes are the windows to the soul, and I've always been told I had an old one. My family always called me "Lil Ethel" after my grandma; said I looked just like her. As a kid hearing that, I didn't get it. I didn't look old. I didn't know why they kept saying that, but I didn't like it. I also didn't like my middle name because it sounded old, and I didn't like my eyes because they looked old...yeah, it's one of those posts. I felt like I had bags under my eyes, and no matter how much I pushed them in and tried to ice them - as if they were swollen - they (the bags) stayed. What I did not know was that I looked like my grandmother from her youth. I literally had my grandmother's face, and especially her eyes. I know it now. I appreciate it now. I love it all...now.
If I'd had the answer, but really the wisdom and understanding back then, I think I would've appreciated, accepted, and liked what I saw looking back at me. I would've known that I REALLY did look like Grandma, but there was also a burden that came with looking like her and being called her namesake...it seems. I'll never know what, if any, burden "knowing" would have carried, but it also doesn't matter. Today, I reflect on how I felt something that I wanted to get away from because I was child, and I made mistakes, and I wasn't perfect, and I got into trouble. I also hated to get into trouble by Grandma, and to know that she was disappointed with me made me sad. I wanted to satisfy or honor or feel worthy of being her namesake. Nobody said I had to, but at 7, 8, 9, or 10 years old, I didn't know any better or any different. Now looking back, it wasn't about anything other than I looked (and still look) just like her. Sure, I think the adults around had expectations, but it wasn't for me to meet those ESPECIALLY at my age and without ever knowing that expectations existed. I felt them though.
At 34, I am grateful to be "Lil Ethel" and to share her face - the beauty, the regality, the quiet, yet observant nature that was all her. I dare not forget the inability to hold a poker face because we served looks and expressions 😂. I also appreciate "learning" and "coming into" the answers and understanding as an adult. I truly can appreciate it. There's wisdom that comes with it now that rather than confusion or contempt. Life is a marathon.
Yes, a marathon because "the race is not to the swift...but time and chance happeneth to them all."
- Ecclesiastes 9:11 KJV
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